A Kiss I Will Always Compare to All Others

I wrote this blog back in 2007 as I was inspired by a girly conversation with my gal pals about great kisses. 

My grandmother took me to the Caribbean the summer before my senior year of high school.  Even though she drove me slap crazy most of the time I was so excited I couldn't see straight.  Like any teenage gal I was especially eager to scope out the boy scene.
The first night of the cruise was pure magic!  I remember stepping onto the top deck into the humid night.  A steel drum band was playing, and the stars seemed so close I thought I could reach up and touch them.  I felt like a kid in a candy store.  Tons of cute boys everywhere, and the cruise staff seemed to have no trouble serving alcohol to a minor.  A dream come true for a rebellious child forced into the Mormon church since birth.  Jackpot!!!!!  I downed one blue Hawaiian after another.  Soon I was approached by a boy with another blue Hawaiian.  Apparently he had asked the bar tender what I was drinking.  I was flattered, but saw right through him.  Not the type of boy I was used to.  He was for sure not from California, and had "my daddy pulled some strings to get me into an ivy league college" written all over him.  

Out of the corner of my eye I saw a boy dancing in front of the band.  He looked to be about my age, drop dead hot, and very intoxicated.  I was totally smitten.  To make matters worse I was informed by the ivy league snob that the dude I was watching was his little brother.  I think he could see the wheels turning in my head.  It ended up working out because ivy league did not realize how young I was.  His little brother made his way over and sat down at the table next to us.  With my liquid courage I approached him.  As corny as this sounds I felt my entire body melt when he looked into my eyes and introduced himself.  We came from very different backgrounds.  He was from New Jersey, and from a wealthy cultured family.  I was from a middle class dysfunctional west coast family.  I felt so insecure at that moment because I knew my upbringing which I was not ashamed of was so beneath his.  I decided to just ask him questions about himself, and talk about myself as little as possible to avoid messing up my chance of spending time with him.  Yes, I know my actions were very shallow, but I was a very insecure teenager.  I suppose that is my only excuse.  We talked until the late hours of the night with the warm breeze blowing, the calming sound of the ocean, and one of the most intense attractions I had ever felt.  He walked me back to my cabin that night and was such a gentlemen.  He shook my hand, and told me it was good to meet me.  I remember just smiling at him with my mouth full of metal (braces).  When a man holds back on kissing you it always becomes much more of a turn on.  The anticipation is torture, but so worth it.

I remember floating back into the cabin feeling giddy, and nauseous.  As strange as this sounds it was a good sick feeling.  I was so overwhelmed with a massive school girl crush it made me woozy.  I fell asleep that night to the gentle rocking of the ship, the faint sounds of the ocean, and his name on my lips.

The morning I awoke to a Caribbean ocean sunrise, and an announcement for a ship fire drill.  My grandmother and I made our way onto our designated area.  I saw him from a distance.  Almost as if he felt me staring at him he turned around and gave me the most amazing smile.  My whole body went numb.  At that very moment it seemed as if we where the only people in that area.  My grandmother nudged me to keep moving along.  

The rest of the day was amazing.  It was our first day at sea.  At my young age I had no idea such a wonderful atmosphere existed.  My grandmother and I made our way to the deck after breakfast. The alcohol and music were flowing again.  And then he suddenly appeared.  Both of us were so shy we could barely speak to one another, but there was just some sort of comfortable silence between us.  Finally we managed to get a conversation going about the band him and his friends had started.  He could have spoken about the wall paper in his bedroom at home, I would have still been engrossed.

Later that night was the captains dinner, and a silly show.  I was just itching for it to get later so I could spend time with him.  My grandmother and I went to the casino, he was there as well.  Every time I would turn away from my slot machine he would smile at me from the poker table him and his brother occupied.  Finally my grandmother decided it was time for her to hit the hay.  As soon as I walked her back to the cabin I fled back up the casino area.  I found him right away picking up a courtesy phone.  I made my presence known.  He immediately advised me that he was just about to call our cabin.

He took my hand and we walked up a very secluded part of the ships top deck.  It was such a beautiful night.  The surroundings couldn't have been anymore perfect.  We sat down and made some silly small talk.  All of a sudden we just looked at each other.  He took his hands and put them gently on the sides of my head and pushed my wind blown hair behind my shoulders.  We moved towards each other and locked lips.  Every part of my body was on fire.  I could have sworn all time had stopped.  After 16 years I have yet to have ever been kissed this way.  Of course I have experienced many great kisses, but the circumstances were just not the same.  

At 17 we are so hopeful, naive, and innocent.  We were 2 strangers that encountered each other. Somehowwe knew that we were both about to say goodbye to childhood, and soon experience the real world.  Back then the concept of  email and the internet had yet to be invented.  We knew we were most likely never to see one another again, but we made the most of that week.  I now realize that I left a part of me with him.  The very last part of my way to view the world as a child.  

Fathers Day 2005

A random poem I wrote on a fathers day.

The Gift

 

I was born again the day you died
It took me so long to understand, no matter how hard I tried

 

All those times I knew when you were alive
Those bone chilling thoughts that I never implied

 

The haunting connection, it was ever so sly
Your stabbing vision, your sixth sense of this life was anything but dry

 

Your extreme intelligence, your talents, your amazing presence so divine
Like the purest white sand in the desert, so fine

 

And that day you took your life...all of these aspects shined
Your soul left your body in the night, I heard it cry

 

Your sentence of life, you were in agony all of that time
I do not see the choice you made a crime

 

This life was too much for you, I finally stop asking why
I am your daughter, your voice, your gift I will carry on...this is mine!

 

I see what you saw, I feel what you felt and sometimes it is not too kind
I understand now what happened that night...you left me with your eyes

 

This frightened me so much when I realized
That you gave me your gift, in hopes that I will correctly utilize

You knew you grew up in the 909 if

LOVE THIS
YOU KNOW YOU GREW UP IN THE INLAND EMPIRE IF (THE 909)

YOU KNOW YOU GREW UP IN THE INLAND EMPIRE IF (THE 909)
(Trust me I am not proud of this)


1. Every one of your friends, including yourself, has a drinking problem.


2. You're pissed that your area code is 951 and your tattoo says "909."

3. Everyone is in a band.

4. Statutory rape laws dont exist here.

5. You hook up with someone on Friday night and Saturday morning you have 10 missed calls from people that already heard about it.

6. You've known more than half your friends since junior high, or elementary school

7. You use terms like "Mo Val", "San Berdoo", and "Victimville" to refer to places

8. When you go to parties you bring your own beer
and guard it with your life

9. A party isn't a party until the cops come and someone gets knocked out

10. Every Jetta you see has a roxy sticker on the back

11. The whos gonna drive to get more booze conversation is decided by who has the fewest number of D.U.I.'s

12. You try to act as white trash as possible but your parents live in million dollar houses and drive hummers

13. You know at least 10 people with a tattoo of their last name, a star, or a flower

14. At least half the guys you see are wearing black Active socks

15. When all of your girlfriends go off to college, and all your guy friends stay home and work construction

16. You walk into a party and you've hooked up with at least half the people there

17. Even the people you havent seen since high school still manage to find out what and who you are doing

18. You walk into Vons or Rite Aid and see atleast 5 people you know


19. You participate in the cycle of: A) Seeing old people at parties and then B) Being the old people at parties.

20. "Your mom" is the most common phrase in your vocabulary.

21. You walk to your truck from D.T. Riverside and mistakingly put your key in one of the 50 black lifted F-250 with Famous stickers on them...

22. You still miss Metro and Gotham.

23. You go to Lack Alice, or Worthington's on Thursday night, Friday night, and Saturday night because there isnt much else to do...

24. You know what people do at "the Top of Haven "

25. your whole life is DRAMA.

26. You cant start a day without Starbucks.

27. You run into your ex's ALL the time.

28. When you think Fontana is ghetto. (fontucky)

29. you were disappointed to learn that Hemet is no longer the Meth capital of the world

30. u know what emo is... but you're too "hardcore"

31. You have gone offroading off the 71

32. you know someone who works at Active, Hollister or Abercrombie.

33. u know someone who went through the "bleaching" the hair phase, with spikes

34. Kids love their cars more than they love their parents

35. You take the 10 or 60 to get somewhere that is 5 min away, but it takes 45 minutes to get there

36. all ur old friends have kids.. and u know their baby daddy.

37. At least 5 of your friends has their lip pierced.

38. lifted trucks have west coast choppers, Tapout, or Famous stickers

39. u eat dennys or albertos after a hard night of partyin'!!!!

40. you know someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows travis barker

41. Every radio station fades into spanish at least once during your commute

42. You actually read all the way through this laughing out loud and clapping your hands cuz its soo true

10:04 PM

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Man was I acting like a big baby, 2006 was not my year LOL

I can't believe I let one stupid douche bag control me this way and dictate my self worth.  Written 3/2006.

Last night I went to shop for the wedding I was supposed to attend today.  I stop of at Target where the bride and groom are registered, and carefully proceed to find the perfect gift off the registry list.  I purchase my selection and, move on to my next quest to find the perfect to dress to wear for the event.  I wonder into store after store.  It is so cold, dark, and wet outside.  A horid lonliness surrounds and suffocates me.  I try to fight it, and forge on.  Each dress I try on looks terrible because  I have put on some weight. 

The pounds I have managed to put on are my fault.  For the past month I have been sulking, and been very inactive.  I have also been eating the wrong kinds of foods.  Food at times has been my only comfort to fill the enormous empty void in my life.

I arrived home last night after 10:00 defeated.  I figure that maybe I can get up early in the morning before the wedding and try a few more stores.  I awoke early today, wrapped the wedding present, and then trudged on in hopes that two other stores may have an article of clothing for me.  I walk outside.  It is another grey day.  I drive down to the Quad in Whittier.  I rush to Burlington Coat Factory, no luck.  Then finally my last resource TJ Maxx.  I am elated, I find a two piece lacey cream outfit that is my size.  I run for the fitting room, and try it on.  I look like the stay puffed marshmellow mans grandmother.  I storm out of the dressing room, and onto the parking lot.  Tears are pouring down my face.

I get into my car.  My whole body goes limp, and I shake with sobs.  Every last ounce of self esteem I own is gone.  I was thrown away by the man that promised me eternal love, and I despise my physical appearance right now.  How can I attend this function when I have nothing to wear?  How can I cope with being in a room full of people when I can't stand the sight of myself right now?  What a cruel person I am, I promised my dear friend Xochi that I would be present for her wedding day, one of the most important events of her life.

I call my friend Catalina, and inform her of my decision.  I know she is dissappointed in me.  I can honestly say that I did try, I made every effort to find a dress, and pull myself together.  I am a coward, and I am selfish.  There are people in this world that have far worse problems than I do.  There are individuals who can't walk, are poor, blind, have terrible diseases, etc.  I went through one nasty breakup and I am on the verge of giving up on life.  I have so many wonderful people around me that love me, and have tried to help.  I feel I am even managing to destroy those ties.  If I was in their shoes I would have told me to quit crying like a three year old, and get over it.

I am so ashamed!!!!

Fathers Day 2006

Did I simply forget, or purposely choose not to remember?  Since 1995, the year of my fathers suicide I try to always block Fathers Day out.  This is not out of bitterness or anger towards my dad.  I understand that he had to leave this world, life was too painful for him.  Yesterday I was forced to realize fathers day.  However, it was very therapeutic for me.  I had the great fortune of being invited to a baseball game by one of my closest friends.  There is no denying the fact that my dad was a huge baseball fan.

Yesterday as "America The Beautiful" was sang thousands of thoughts raced through my mind.  The outings taken with my father, me, and my brother.  The countless hours playing silly games in the pool.  And always, always my father being there when I needed him.  I glance around the stadium at all of the many fathers with their children.  The tears start to well up in my throat.  "No"!  I say to myself.

I don't let myself cry.  I let myself fall back in time and remember the many baseball games my father took us to in my youth.  I always knew, always knew the truth.  I was aware of it even then.  I knew I would lose my father when I was young.  I just had to hold on to the time I had left with him.  At 21 he slipped through my fingers just as I had predicted.  My father did not want anyone to cry or morn over him, he just wanted to exit this world, move on to the next existance and heal his wounds.  As crazy as this sounds, I feel that if we keep morning he will not be able to let go. 

As the song ends I am brought back to reality.  I see up on the electronic board the stadium has flashed "happy fathers day". 

"Happy fathers day dad".  I whisper to myself.  And in my own way I have set myself and my father free.

Another lame ass day in corporate America

I HATED working in corporate America.  I found this blog I wrote back in 2006 after a very bad day at work.  I experienced many days like this.  Not anymore!!!  Kiss my a$$ corporate world.  Bite me!

Do I by any chance still work on the planet Earth?

In each job a person holds down in a lifetime there will always be quirks.  How can there not be when groups of people are interacting with eachother 5 days a week, 8 hours a day?  I have always tried my best to make the best out of every work situation, and if I can't I move on.  I have been with the same company for over three years.  Of these three years I have resided at my current division for a year now.  When I made the transfer I had very high hopes.  I was promised a very challenging position that would be more accounting oriented.  It didn't turn out that way.  I had to push and push to actually get work to do.  Yes, I know that makes no sense what so ever.

Anyways, I feel like I have been employed by some sort of twilight zone.  A few of the people that I work with have been acting like there has been a constant full moon.  Where do I start?  Well, we are going through an audit which I am sure is contributing to some of the bizare behaviors.  Last week one of the auditors asked my supervisor to pull a document (I will not bore you with the details).  My boss found that the new audit procedure had not been executed with this document.  Hello????  Of course there would be not evidence of this new set of rules listed on this document.  The transaction was initiated in June, and the new policy was not put into place until July.  So my supervisor had the nerve to ask me to forge the document stating I had carried out the new audit rule.  I could not believe what I was hearing.  I had to take a step back and digest this obscene order from my boss.  I refused to forge my name to this document, and lie about something I did not do.  Why should I put my career at risk because some hot shot in upper management failed to inform us of this new procedure?  I thought my boss would understand, but she actually badgered me for 5 minutes about how it was not that big of deal.  I stood my ground.  Is this a new rule in the work place that I was not aware of?  Are employees now expected to forge and back date a document if needed?

Okay so today things got really good. I arrive at my usual start time which is 7:00 AM.  Since I am the first one in our department to arrive I clear out fax and department email boxes.  I also distribute emails to managers and co-workers if needed.  So I spot an email that our system had generated with all of kinds of foreign programming language that looked like Greek to me.  I was however able to make out what programs this message was referring to.  As I scrolled down the email I saw a line of words stating "file failed to interface". 

I knew what file this was, and soon realized that if this was an error it could have a serious impact on one of our clients.  So just to cover my bases I forwarded the email to the VP who has a close relationship with one of the software companies I had seen mentioned in the message.  I simply just stated that I guessing there might be an error, and if there was would he like me to open a help desk ticket?  I did not expect any type of recognition for this, I was just looking out for our client.  A few hours later I get a response from this VP copying my boss stating "This is not an error, I take care of these situations!"

Okay so maybe I do not have the programming knowledge he does, but wouldn't a member of upper management rather have an employee look out for the best interests of the department and clients instead of just ignoring something that came up out of the ordinary?  I simply hit reply all to his response, copied the line of the message that stated there was an error, and said "sorry I was just trying to inform you that the message was out of the ordinary, and wanted to try and assist in anyway if there was an issue."

Of course no one responded back.  No worries, I am not going to lose any sleep over this first event to occur this morning.  Now to the second incident of today.  (I have to now inform any men that read this, that is has to do with a female problem.  You may want to stop here.)  Around 1:00 PM my co-worker approaches my desk.  She looked very nervous.  I asked her what was wrong and she told me in a quiet voice that her monthly bill had checked in early.  The poor girl was not prepared for this.  Every woman I know has had this happen to them.  And as a member of the female species I have to say that if an severe accident occurs you are in BIG trouble.  Your clothes are stained, and all you want to do is go home and shower.  Plus there is a humiliation factor involved as well.  This co-worker of mine did not have the luxury of going home to shower and change as she lives 45 minutes away.  As anal as my boss is about people missing work I thought for sure she would sympathize with my co-worker and have no issues with her leaving for the day.  My co-worker was so ashamed of what had happened to her, and even more embarrassed to approach our boss.  I was so confident that my supervisor would understand that I pushed her to go speak to her. 

So my co-worker went to speak to our boss.  The next thing I knew she was gone.  I figured she had left for the day as I had predicted.  I couldn't have been more wrong in my assumption.  My poor co-worker called me and said "can I talk to (can't put my bosses name here)?"

Our supervisor was on the phone.  So my co-worker said "I am just going to leave _ _ _ _ _ a message and tell her I am not coming back".

I was very confused by what she had just said to me.  She then said "_ _ _ _ _ told me to go to Target and buy a new pair of pants and underwear then come back to work and I should be fine."

"Calm down, calm down!"  I kept saying to myself over and over again. 

I was livid that a person of the same gender who experiences the same monthly issue had even suggested such a thing.  I wanted to slam my phone down and go over and strangle my boss for being so inhumane.  First of all this girl is a single mother.  Did our supervisor even stop to think that she may be on a tight budget?  And for the love of god how could anyone pressure a poor woman in this situation to remain at work in this condition for 4 more hours?  Especially the hard working reliable person my co-worker is.

To me a person going into management should never forget that they once started at the bottom.  How can I continue to work for such ignorant people that have acquired super sized egos?  Why would I want to perform at my best when I have lost complete respect for my so-called superiors.

Hmmmm....I wonder if any of these instances would be considered for a Dilbert file? 

8:35 PM

We found love in a hopeless place

I wrote this back in 2007 after I had run into an ex boyfriend from many years ago.  I have no idea why I never finished it, maybe because the ending was too painful to talk about.  How I loved this man, and how he healed my heart after the recent death of my father, but I knew it wasn't right.  Between me and my self sabotaging ways and my emotional state at the time, and his fight from trying to stay away from a corrupt past life our relationship was a ticking time bomb.  But for a brief time we did find love in a hopeless place. I'm glad I can laugh at how silly I can get around men I like.  LOL

I remember the first time we met, it was over a decade ago.  It was a cold winter night in January.  I had stopped by (at the time I didn't know it) a mutaul friends before going out that evening (a Saturday night now I recall.)  The ironic thing was that I came by to ask our friend for some advice on a guy I was dating.  I walked into the house, and I saw you standing in the kitchen.  You gave me the most amazing smile.  D (our friend that I will keep anonymous) introduced us, and you said "I would shake your hand, but my hands are wet."  D and I went to the backyard to discuss this guy I was dating.  The funny thing was that I suddenly didn't want to talk about the dork I was seeing.  All I could picture still is you smiling at me in the kitchen.  You walked outside and said something to D.  I have no idea what words were spoken between the two of you.  I fell into a trance when you stood in front of me once again.  Suddenly D said "hey R you and Bryn are both single, why don't you get aqainted?"
I was so embarresd.  Even though it was dark out, I could see your face turning red like mine.  And so D went back into the house.  You came and sat beside me on the bench swing.  I had no idea what to say to you, and I think you felt the same way.  I recall us both staring at eachother for a moment.  I was totally smitten with you and tongue tied.  Finally you spoke and broke the ice.  We had the silliest conversation.  You asked me to go out that very night, but I had already promised to take my younger brother and his friend to dumpy club metro (does that place even exist anymore?)  Everything after that is a blur.  The only thing that sticks in my mind is that I gave you my phone number.
When I went back home I asked my brother what he thought of you since you both worked at the same place.  He didn't really know you that well, but he said you were nice enough, a hard worker, and kind of shy.  When you are only 21 and very vulerable you don't worry about the long term characteristics of a person.  
A few days passed.  I came home from work that following Monday night, and my mother advised me that you had called 3 times.  Silly me, I had to be immature and play that hard to get thing and not call you back.  The next day while on my lunch break I walked over the drug store for some sort of girly thing I guess.  Probably make up or hairspray. (he-he). I enter the store, and there you were.  When you saw me you obliged me with that radiant smile of yours.  You make your way over to me.  I tell you that I am sorry I didn't get a chance to call you back (duh).  You inform me that were not sure which establishment I was employed at, but you remember me telling you I worked in this shopping center.  And next you brief me on the fact that you went into some of the restaraunts in the center and asked for me.  I was very flattered.  More small talk passes between us, and I make sure you know the right place to look for me next time.  We agree to go out on a date the following night.  I remember when we parted I was so excited and nervous that I thought I was going to puke in the drug store. 
The next day I decide to look through the paper (back in the old days when there was no internet) and find a movie for us to see.  I find that "Leaving Las Vegas" is playing.  I had heard from the previews on TV that is was a love story.  I figured it was the perfect date movie.
I hurry home from work that night, and you called.  I tell you about the movie, and you agree with me on my choice.  However, your car is not running and you asked me to pick you up.  I was a little leery at that point, but hell everyone has car trouble.  You give me directions to your house.  I hang up the phone, and then proceed in trying to find the right thing to wear.  I think I went through about 5 outfits.  The crazy girl thoughts were racing through my head "if I wear something low cut he will think I am suggesting I am easy ,  if I wear something too conservative he will feel I am a prude."  
I finally decide on on just jeans and a turtle neck (they were still in still back then).  I try to fix the damage I have done to my hair after changing over and over.  I brush my teeth for almost 5 minutes straight (didn't want to have bad breathe).  I spray purfume on my neck then freak out because I worry you will feel I am trying to hard.  I pull a wad of toilet paper from the roll, and try to wipe off my neck.  I finally get ahold of myself and begin the journey to your home.
I pick you up, and you get into my car (my 1993 Geo Storm).  I start to drive away. I am so nervous of saying something silly, or making a poor driving choice. Maybe you sensed my vulnerability, and insecurity and start a conversation.