Man was I acting like a big baby, 2006 was not my year LOL

I can't believe I let one stupid douche bag control me this way and dictate my self worth.  Written 3/2006.

Last night I went to shop for the wedding I was supposed to attend today.  I stop of at Target where the bride and groom are registered, and carefully proceed to find the perfect gift off the registry list.  I purchase my selection and, move on to my next quest to find the perfect to dress to wear for the event.  I wonder into store after store.  It is so cold, dark, and wet outside.  A horid lonliness surrounds and suffocates me.  I try to fight it, and forge on.  Each dress I try on looks terrible because  I have put on some weight. 

The pounds I have managed to put on are my fault.  For the past month I have been sulking, and been very inactive.  I have also been eating the wrong kinds of foods.  Food at times has been my only comfort to fill the enormous empty void in my life.

I arrived home last night after 10:00 defeated.  I figure that maybe I can get up early in the morning before the wedding and try a few more stores.  I awoke early today, wrapped the wedding present, and then trudged on in hopes that two other stores may have an article of clothing for me.  I walk outside.  It is another grey day.  I drive down to the Quad in Whittier.  I rush to Burlington Coat Factory, no luck.  Then finally my last resource TJ Maxx.  I am elated, I find a two piece lacey cream outfit that is my size.  I run for the fitting room, and try it on.  I look like the stay puffed marshmellow mans grandmother.  I storm out of the dressing room, and onto the parking lot.  Tears are pouring down my face.

I get into my car.  My whole body goes limp, and I shake with sobs.  Every last ounce of self esteem I own is gone.  I was thrown away by the man that promised me eternal love, and I despise my physical appearance right now.  How can I attend this function when I have nothing to wear?  How can I cope with being in a room full of people when I can't stand the sight of myself right now?  What a cruel person I am, I promised my dear friend Xochi that I would be present for her wedding day, one of the most important events of her life.

I call my friend Catalina, and inform her of my decision.  I know she is dissappointed in me.  I can honestly say that I did try, I made every effort to find a dress, and pull myself together.  I am a coward, and I am selfish.  There are people in this world that have far worse problems than I do.  There are individuals who can't walk, are poor, blind, have terrible diseases, etc.  I went through one nasty breakup and I am on the verge of giving up on life.  I have so many wonderful people around me that love me, and have tried to help.  I feel I am even managing to destroy those ties.  If I was in their shoes I would have told me to quit crying like a three year old, and get over it.

I am so ashamed!!!!